2 gross jokes

Three nuns were up to be inducted into the convent but they went out partying over the weekend. So the Mother Superior got the 3 of them together and said "Ok, I know you girls probably did something naughty, so, just confess and I'll forgive you." The first nun says "Ok, I gave a guy a hand-job & touched a penis" the MS says "Ok, all you have to do is wash your hands in the holy water" so she does, and the MS dismisses her.
Then the 2nd nun goes over to the holy water, puts her hands in, cups them, takes a big gulp, gargles and spits it back into the bowl. The Mother says "Um, what was that about?!" the nun says "Well, I figured I should go first before she dunks her ass in it!"

A man gets out of the Navy after 5 years straight to the New Orleans French Quarter and he goes to the first whore house he spots. Walks in and tells the Madam his story, and how he's only got 10 bucks to his name. She's understanding of his plight and says "Ok, you'll have to wait at least 10 minutes, kinda busy here, any preference?!" "Blond is fine" he says. "Ok, just wait in that room to my left and she'll be down ASAP." So he sits down on the rickety chair, helps himself to a soda in the cooler in front of him as well as some stewed tomatoes on the table in front of him. He starts flipping through channels on the TV when the blond comes down there stairs for him, she takes one look at him, screams at the top of her lungs and runs back up the stairs yelling "OH FUCK NO! NO WAY AM I DOING SHIT WITH HIM!!!" The guy is flustered to say the least, and the Madam hollers to him "What the hell was that about?!" The guy walks back around to her desk and says "I have no idea..." "Well, shit, sorry about that, I know you're deal being in the Navy 5 years, oh hey, how about this really hot redhead?! I think you'll like her." "Sure, thanks." So he goes back to drinking his soda & eating the tomatoes, clearing his mind of the blond. A few minutes later the hot redhead comes down the stairs and pretty much the same thing happens. "OH MY GOD, HELL NO, I AIN'T FUCKING HIM OR ANYTHING!!!" Now he's pissed! He storms back over to the Madam and she says "Ok ok, just calm down...damned if I know what got into those bitches today. Alright, would you like a brunet?! She's very cute. Hey, I'll even let you have her on the house, I feel your plight." "Ok, thank you, I just don't get it." "Well, I'll have a talk with them, hey, the brunet will be down soon." "Oh ok, thank you again." So he goes back to the chair in the waiting room, finishes the soda and continues with the tomatoes. The brunet comes down the stairs, SCREAMS at the top of her lungs, and before she can run back up stairs, he stands up and says "WOAH WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! ALL I'M DOING IS SITTING HERE, WATCHING TV, DRINKING A SODA AND EATING THE STEWED TOMATOES!!!" The brunet has a look of absolute HORROR on her face and says..."Those...those aren't...those aren't stewed tomatoes...those are yesterday's abortions!!!"