Stump The Jokeman time:
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Sunday, October 30, 2011
My new favorite blonde joke
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
... In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
... In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black
belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Let's get the MJ jokes the fuck over with already!
When Farrah Fawcett died, God granted her 1 wish, so she wished for her kids to be ok. So God then killed Michael Jackson!!!
What do rigor mortis and little boys have in common?!
They're the only things that made Michael Jackson stiff!
To honor Michael Jackson, McD's is featuring a new burger:
50 year old meat between two 5 year old buns!
Where else could a poor cute black kid grow up from Gary, IN, to be a rich ugly white woman in Hollywood, CA!
Can you imagine how scared his kids were when MJ played "Got your nose" with them?!
What did the male sunbather shout at MJ?
Get out of my son!
What was MJ’s idea of a perfect 10?
Two five year olds!
Why did Michael Jackson first think when he heard of Boys II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service!
What did MJ and an Xbox have in common?
Both get turned on by kids!
Who was MJ's favorite poet?
Emily Dickinson!
Having to fucking hear about it for the next goddamn DECADE!
What do rigor mortis and little boys have in common?!
They're the only things that made Michael Jackson stiff!
To honor Michael Jackson, McD's is featuring a new burger:
50 year old meat between two 5 year old buns!
What was MJ's last big hit?
The floor!
What did MJ & K-Mart have in common?
They both had little boys underwear half off!
Latest news reports that MJ did not die of heart attack. It was confirmed that MJ died of food poisoning since he had just eaten some 8 year old nuts!
What's gonna be done with MJ’s body??
Since he’s 99% plastic, he’s gonna be melted down into Legos so that little boys can play with him for a change!
Where else could a poor cute black kid grow up from Gary, IN, to be a rich ugly white woman in Hollywood, CA!
Can you imagine how scared his kids were when MJ played "Got your nose" with them?!
What did the male sunbather shout at MJ?
Get out of my son!
What was MJ’s idea of a perfect 10?
Two five year olds!
Why did Michael Jackson first think when he heard of Boys II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service!
What did MJ and an Xbox have in common?
Both get turned on by kids!
Who was MJ's favorite poet?
Emily Dickinson!
What was the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One's white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with; and the other you carry your groceries in!
How can you tell if MJ had a hot date?
There’s a big wheel parked outside his house!
Why did MJ like twenty eight year olds?
Because there were twenty of them!
How did MJ pick his nose?
From a catalog!
What had 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
MJ's slumber party!
Did you know they’re putting out an commemorative stamp?
Fans get to vote for the white or black MJ!
What was white and was often found in a baby’s diaper?
MJ’s hand!
Prince Michael Jackson, Jr. – you know in a few years he’ll probably change his name to:
The Child Formerly Known as Michael Jackson’s Baby!
Having to fucking hear about it for the next goddamn DECADE!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Another Nun joke, plus some Scottish! & More!
3 nuns die and go to heaven. St. Pete asks them "Ok, to get in, you each gotta answer a different question. What was the first man's name?" First nun says "Adam" "Right, you're in. Next, who was the first woman?" "Eve" says Nun 2. "Right, you're in. Now what was the first words Eve spoke?" "Wow...that's a hard one..." "Right, you're in."
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
A Scotsman once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whiskey. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Scotman piped up, "If you drink whiskey you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help! She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard!!!"
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
A Scotsman once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whiskey. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Scotman piped up, "If you drink whiskey you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help! She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard!!!"
Sportsman's Double
21 year old guy goes into a bar, sees a really hot chick, so he sits next to her and they get talking. Well, it turns out she's 65. But doesn't look it, looks more like 40ish. So he's like oh well fuck it! Then she asks him "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?" "What's that?" "You know, mom and daughter 3some!" "No." "Well, how about it, wanna come back to my place?" "Sure!" He's thinking ok, if the mom is 65 and looks this hot, then the daughter must be 30-40-something and look even YOUNGER! They get back to her place and the 65 year old woman yells upstairs "MOM, WE'RE HOME!"
Sunday, May 31, 2009
JOKE OF THE MONTH!!!
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think Republicans come from.'
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think Republicans come from.'
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
2 gross jokes
Three nuns were up to be inducted into the convent but they went out partying over the weekend. So the Mother Superior got the 3 of them together and said "Ok, I know you girls probably did something naughty, so, just confess and I'll forgive you." The first nun says "Ok, I gave a guy a hand-job & touched a penis" the MS says "Ok, all you have to do is wash your hands in the holy water" so she does, and the MS dismisses her.
Then the 2nd nun goes over to the holy water, puts her hands in, cups them, takes a big gulp, gargles and spits it back into the bowl. The Mother says "Um, what was that about?!" the nun says "Well, I figured I should go first before she dunks her ass in it!"
A man gets out of the Navy after 5 years straight to the New Orleans French Quarter and he goes to the first whore house he spots. Walks in and tells the Madam his story, and how he's only got 10 bucks to his name. She's understanding of his plight and says "Ok, you'll have to wait at least 10 minutes, kinda busy here, any preference?!" "Blond is fine" he says. "Ok, just wait in that room to my left and she'll be down ASAP." So he sits down on the rickety chair, helps himself to a soda in the cooler in front of him as well as some stewed tomatoes on the table in front of him. He starts flipping through channels on the TV when the blond comes down there stairs for him, she takes one look at him, screams at the top of her lungs and runs back up the stairs yelling "OH FUCK NO! NO WAY AM I DOING SHIT WITH HIM!!!" The guy is flustered to say the least, and the Madam hollers to him "What the hell was that about?!" The guy walks back around to her desk and says "I have no idea..." "Well, shit, sorry about that, I know you're deal being in the Navy 5 years, oh hey, how about this really hot redhead?! I think you'll like her." "Sure, thanks." So he goes back to drinking his soda & eating the tomatoes, clearing his mind of the blond. A few minutes later the hot redhead comes down the stairs and pretty much the same thing happens. "OH MY GOD, HELL NO, I AIN'T FUCKING HIM OR ANYTHING!!!" Now he's pissed! He storms back over to the Madam and she says "Ok ok, just calm down...damned if I know what got into those bitches today. Alright, would you like a brunet?! She's very cute. Hey, I'll even let you have her on the house, I feel your plight." "Ok, thank you, I just don't get it." "Well, I'll have a talk with them, hey, the brunet will be down soon." "Oh ok, thank you again." So he goes back to the chair in the waiting room, finishes the soda and continues with the tomatoes. The brunet comes down the stairs, SCREAMS at the top of her lungs, and before she can run back up stairs, he stands up and says "WOAH WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! ALL I'M DOING IS SITTING HERE, WATCHING TV, DRINKING A SODA AND EATING THE STEWED TOMATOES!!!" The brunet has a look of absolute HORROR on her face and says..."Those...those aren't...those aren't stewed tomatoes...those are yesterday's abortions!!!"
Then the 2nd nun goes over to the holy water, puts her hands in, cups them, takes a big gulp, gargles and spits it back into the bowl. The Mother says "Um, what was that about?!" the nun says "Well, I figured I should go first before she dunks her ass in it!"
A man gets out of the Navy after 5 years straight to the New Orleans French Quarter and he goes to the first whore house he spots. Walks in and tells the Madam his story, and how he's only got 10 bucks to his name. She's understanding of his plight and says "Ok, you'll have to wait at least 10 minutes, kinda busy here, any preference?!" "Blond is fine" he says. "Ok, just wait in that room to my left and she'll be down ASAP." So he sits down on the rickety chair, helps himself to a soda in the cooler in front of him as well as some stewed tomatoes on the table in front of him. He starts flipping through channels on the TV when the blond comes down there stairs for him, she takes one look at him, screams at the top of her lungs and runs back up the stairs yelling "OH FUCK NO! NO WAY AM I DOING SHIT WITH HIM!!!" The guy is flustered to say the least, and the Madam hollers to him "What the hell was that about?!" The guy walks back around to her desk and says "I have no idea..." "Well, shit, sorry about that, I know you're deal being in the Navy 5 years, oh hey, how about this really hot redhead?! I think you'll like her." "Sure, thanks." So he goes back to drinking his soda & eating the tomatoes, clearing his mind of the blond. A few minutes later the hot redhead comes down the stairs and pretty much the same thing happens. "OH MY GOD, HELL NO, I AIN'T FUCKING HIM OR ANYTHING!!!" Now he's pissed! He storms back over to the Madam and she says "Ok ok, just calm down...damned if I know what got into those bitches today. Alright, would you like a brunet?! She's very cute. Hey, I'll even let you have her on the house, I feel your plight." "Ok, thank you, I just don't get it." "Well, I'll have a talk with them, hey, the brunet will be down soon." "Oh ok, thank you again." So he goes back to the chair in the waiting room, finishes the soda and continues with the tomatoes. The brunet comes down the stairs, SCREAMS at the top of her lungs, and before she can run back up stairs, he stands up and says "WOAH WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! ALL I'M DOING IS SITTING HERE, WATCHING TV, DRINKING A SODA AND EATING THE STEWED TOMATOES!!!" The brunet has a look of absolute HORROR on her face and says..."Those...those aren't...those aren't stewed tomatoes...those are yesterday's abortions!!!"
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Little Johnny
Little Johnny snuck into the closet in his parents room via a deal that connects his to theirs (just go with it ok?!) and sees his mommy cheating on daddy w/ another guy. And as you could guess, daddy comes home early. So mommy shoves the man she's cheating with into the closet and straightens everything out to look like nothing was going on. After like 20 seconds the guy notices Johnny and said quietly "Damn kid! What are you doing in here?!" "I snuck in through this hatch here that connects to my closet, aw man I can't get it open, it's jammed, and I'm terrified of the dark!" "Aw com'on kid, just ride it out, it wont' be long!" 5 minutes later..."Mister...I'm scared of the dark!" "Aw com'on kid..." "I gotta get out of here!" "You can't! Your dad's right there...aw shit here, here's all the money I got in my wallet, it's only like 40 bucks." "Ok, thanks! I hope this won't take much longer." "Yeah, me either..." 5 minutes later, daddy's still there. "Mister, I'm scared of the dark!" "Oh come the hell on kid, it can't take much longer, NO, don't try to get out! Ok here here, take this pen, it's gold plated, cost me 100 bucks! Ok?! Just chill!" "Ok mister, thanks!" 5 more minutes later..."Mister...I'm scared of the dark!" "Oh for cryin' out loud kid, cool it, he's just about to leave! Here, take my watch, it's a Rolex, and yes it's real...just stay put..." Not even a minute later, daddy's gone and the cheating guy slowly opens the closet door, kisses mommy goodbye and leaves. Then mommy notices rustling in the closet. "JOHNNY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!" "Look mommy! I got 40 dollars, a gold pen and a Rolex!" "Oh Johnny! That's wrong! You know that, I raised you better than that! Now you give me that stuff back, and you march your ass down to church right now and confess what you did!!!" "Oh ok" So approx. 20 minutes later, little Johnny gets to church, goes into the confessional and the priest says "Bless you my son, what are you sins you wish to confess?" "Mister, it's really dark in here." "Oh no kid, don't you dare start that shit again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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